So I haven’t been blogging much lately. I’m not sure why. I mean, I’ve been busy the past couple weeks, but prior to that, not too much out of the ordinary. This post will just be a life update or whatever you want to call it.
Tonight I got out the big Christmas book. Basically “Santa’s” list of all the kids last year and their toy request. I was checking to see about how many bikes were requested to compare with about how many we filled. My goal is to get more bikes in this year. So once Halloween and our Fall Festival passes on Friday, it’s officially Christmas season for me (although I’ve been working on Christmas for months).
Christmas is so busy, and I always am looking for it to be over. It is fun though. It really gives me a sense of doing something good. I know that I do, and the SA does every day, but it’s the time of year when you really get to see the fruits of your labor. It’s pretty rewarding.
This is year is a little different though. I am dreading January almost. Once January gets here, it’s back to the normal work. While the time to focus on what is really important (the church, building relationships, teens, etc…) is good, and I’m looking forward to it, I think I’ll almost miss the constant business. Also, once January gets here, my new bosses will have been here about 6 months. They’ll be good and settled in, and Christmas will be past, so they’ll get to start doing things and I’m sure, making the changes they want to make. That is a little unsettling for me. Not because I don’t like them (I very much do) or because I think they have any crazy plans (I sure hope not), but because change scares me. Surprising enough, I am very methodical in how I do things. If it’s something I am in charge of, or do over and over again, I look for a system that works for me and that works for what I’m doing. And I don’t like that to be disrupted. It makes me uneasy. I like change only if I get to control the change or have time to prepare for it.
I’m also not looking forward to January because it will force me to make some hard decisions–decisions that can’t be made right now because of all the business. I’ve felt really unsettled the past couple of months. Probably because of all of the changes, but I also feel without any control. You might also be surprised to know that I am a control freak. Not your atypical control freak that walks into a room and has to have things a certain way, but a control freak when it comes to my environment (like the above mentioned). It unsettles me and makes me uneasy. Right now, I’m very uneasy and very self-conscious.
In January I’ll have been here 5 years. That’s quiet a while for me. One part of me wants to go someplace different, maybe even Kentucky, or just someplace new. But the other part of me really wants to be here in Monterey. Enough that I feel pretty certain that if I am going to stay, that I’m going to have to deal with a lot and fight (myself) to be able to do that. So that makes me believe it’s really important for me to be here. I’m torn because I don’t know if I want to stay because it’s comfortable, or I want to leave because it’s comfortable, because in any other situations, I’d be ready to go.
I can tell you I have 3 things right now that makes me want to be here: The teens, the church families (and the consistency I feel our church desperately needs), and well, the job in itself is the greatest. Those are the main parts of my life here, yet, I feel so alone and so out of whack. I feel like if I leave, I’m being selfish. I feel like if I stay, I’m being selfish. Those 3 things those, I love deeply.
I can’t imagine working for any other organization or company, yet, I’ve been so dishearted by this place (on a whole, not just Monterey corps) that I’m not sure if I want to stay with them.
I really just feel alone out here, as far as work goes. I have friends, but most of them don’t get my job. I feel like I don’t have much support from anyone in church leadership, but I don’t know how to say that (and when I did try, I failed miserably). And not because I think they don’t care…I think they just don’t know, and like I said, I don’t know how to say that to them…my bosses or anyone else there. I get a lot of support from some of the congregation, but then again, there is a line at which I can talk through things with them.
So yeah, no private posting here. I don’t care anymore. I stopped my Facebook feed, so that’ll eliminate most anyone that probably wouldn’t want to read this…not that it’s bad. It’s just honest. And looks like we gotta wait til January to see how it plays out.
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