I am a control freak.
There, I said it. I hate not being in control. Hate it. If you know me, you may be thinking, You’re not a control freak. You’ve maybe never even seen my control freak side. But it’s true. I like order in my world. People have told me this. Very few people, but still people.
So, let me clarify. I’m not a control freak who needs to control every single thing and person around them. Those people are also power freaks. I simply think I can fix anything that I care about by being in control.
Now, I attempt to control my life. The things in my house, my computers, etc… I have a certain way I do things. If I get out of sync, it completely throws me off track, but I don’t sweat it. However, when it comes to fixing things such as computers, relationships, problems, mistakes–things I care about–I will literally go crazy until it’s fixed or solved. I care very deeply about all of those things. My family. My friends. The relationships I have with these people. The relationship these people have with each other.
I’ve finally realized that there are things in life we really can’t control. My way of controlling any repeats of mistakes I’ve made is to control my interactions with people. Controlling myself and controlling how much I let myself care about people. That works. It’s got me this far, but it’s not everything.
Death. I cannot control death. I suppose I could control my own death to some degree, but not other people’s. I couldn’t control what would happen to my mom when she was laying in a hospital bed. I prayed. I made deals with God like I did when I was a kid. But ultimately, there was not one single thing I could do. I was completely out of control of the situation. Every now and then I’ll cry out thinking that somehow it will change things. I’ll look at the favorites on my phone hoping to see my mom’s picture there with everyone else’s instead of with the picture of Granny I replaced it with because I couldn’t look at her picture every time I used my phone. I’ll wake up and swipe my phone hoping to see that picture of my mom again. But it’s not there. And it sucks. It sucks really bad. I’ve never felt so helpless in all of my life. So, out of control.
For someone with a controlled life and controlled emotions, this is terrifying. I likened it to riding a rollercoaster, where the worst part is the beginning when you are going up the hill before the freefall. You know what I mean.
Click…click…click…pause…. I’m no longer in control.