I was just listening to this song “Once Again” (its a Christian song) on my way home from church. I really like it. Its actually one of my favorite songs and we sing it at church sometimes too. I actually like the radio version better. It has a slower, more steady beat and feels more like an actual worship song. One where you just close your eyes and block out everything going on around you.

Anyway, this entry isn’t really about the song. It was just a fitting song because “once again” I come home from church on Sunday dissatisfied. Its not that anything I used to love about church has changed. I have just changed. My needs have changed and I’ve really gotten into this “end-user” mentality as of lately.

I sit at my computer everyday, and I see things that bug me, things I don’t like or things that would benefit me if they were done differently. So then I go looking for ways to change it. I install new extentions for my browser, set filters for my gmail and learn different hacks and tips to better use it. Ultimately, if a program doesn’t meet my needs and I can’t make it meet my needs, then I look for something that does. Usually I can find it, but if I can’t, I go with whatever best suits my needs. I don’t look to change things. If its not broken, I don’t fix it. I experiment with new things, but overall, I stay pretty faithful to the things I like until I have a reason to change. I think all this of this is where I’ve gotten this end-user attitude lately. I’m the person using this software or hardware, so it should do what I want it to do.

Here’s my problem though. I’ve started adapting this theory to other areas of my life besides my computer or other consumer products. I’ve started adapting it to my relationships and my work and my church, among other things. This isn’t all bad. I think it helps me at work because I put myself in the shoes of the people we are serving, or the people volunteering for me, or the people who I’m talking or presenting something to. I think its been somewhat helpful with my relationships as well. I’ve gotten better about saying my needs aren’t being met or this is not what I want. I’ve gotten better about letting other people figure out what it is they want, or just saying, how can we fix this? Sometimes it has worked, other times maybe it didn’t work out like I wanted it to, but at least you know.

So now, about church, I don’t know how to feel about this. I really do love my church. I love the people at my church and the fellowship with them. I get a lot out of the people from my church. Overall however, I want different things. No, I don’t know what it is, but I do know that something is broken. Something is not working for me and my natural reaction right now is to go looking for something that better suits me.

However, I do know, church and spirituality, is not a computer. Its not a consumer product that people can just go out and buy at Fry’s or Wal-Mart. The problems isn’t with my beliefs, the basis of it, my problems is with all the stuff that goes with it.

Okay, here’s my geeky anaology: We all know, I hate IE (internet explorer). I don’t like it, the pop-ups, the errors, and all the stuff that comes with it. But I have no problem with the browswer itself. I have to use it at work, and for the most part, it does what I need it to. My problem is with the problems it causes on my computer. My problem is that I don’t have the option of getting rid of toolbars and pop-ups (as much as we may try). My problem is that I can’t choose what features I want to install on it and which ones I don’t. I just get it the way it is, take it or leave it.

That’s the way I’m feeling about church. I have no problem with my beliefs and the beliefs of my church. It is what I truely believe. My problem is all the other stuff. The fact that maybe I’d like to be at a church that has hundreds of people, or more traditional music, or where people dress up more (I’m throwing out examples, none of those are actually true). All the other stupid stuff, like the fact that I don’t like having Bible study at 7pm Sunday nights. It’s too late for me cause there isn’t time to do anything when I get home. That’s just one stupid example. So I remind myself that, this time, its not about me. 7Pm works better for other people. It seems to be the most feasible. Elijah is in bed. It makes sense. Yet its things like that (thats not really the only thing) that make me feel unsatisfied. And when I feel unsatisfied, whether I know I’m being stupid or not, I don’t get anything about of church.

So I question whether God would want me to be satisfied so to get more out of it. To get more of Him. Or whether God would want me to look at the bigger picture, the greater good if you will, and remain faithful and for once, work out the dissatisfaction myself. I know He wouldn’t want me to go astray due to that dissatisfaction, but at the same time, am I supposed to find a new church everytime my needs change?

So here I am at this crossroad. I feel obligated. I feel selfish. But I also feel like that sometimes God is telling us we need something different. I just don’t know if this is one of those times, or a test of my faithfulness.

Ok, so I mentioned this article earlier. It annoyed the crap out of me. Not so much the debate of embryonic stem-cell research. I mean, that annoys me too, but that’s not what annoyed me about the article. It’s more of the ‘We Thought (Bill) Frist Was One of Us’ comment. It puts a line in the sand between Christians and non-Christians. You’re either one of us, or one of them. I don’t know about their Bibles, but mine doesn’t tell me to just love other Christians. It doesn’t say, oh, ‘those people’ are evil. I mean, to me, this comment makes it sound like Senator Frist isn’t a Christian because he doesn’t see things the same way they do, other Christian physicians. Maybe it isn’t they way they meant it to sound, but I think that is being a little judgemental myself. It’s ludacris to think that every single christian, or even christian doctor is going to feel the same way about things. Frist has been very outspoken about being Pro-Life, yet just because he’s in support of researching stem cells he can’t be pro-life?

I think it just sends the wrong message to people, especially non-christians. I mean, if we can’t even love other Christians, how are they supposed to believe we love non-Christians as well. I’m not naive enough to believe everyone should agree on everything, but they shouldn’t either. Attacking each other is not setting the Christ-like example. Rebuke and correction are necessary parts of the Christian walk, but not attacks. Not questioning someone’s beliefs, someone who we don’t even know especially. I just found the article and comment very attacking, not loving. Very judgemental. I get really irritated at judgemental people. I think its more about what we do, how we act, how we “walk the walk”, rather than the words we say.

Anyway, I say “good for Bill Frist” for stating what he believes, despite his colleages or even his political party’s stance on an issue. That shows that he’s a man who makes his own decisions based on whatever, his faith, his heart, his knowledge that something could be used for something good. He doesn’t let the world and his reputation sway his beliefs. Standing up for what you believe I think is more important than whether his stance on stem-cell research is right or wrong.

Okay, so after two weeks of really good Bible studies, I’m feeling pretty good. I had gotten kind of lackluster in my relationship with the Lord lately. I was going through all the right motions and still had the desire to be close to God, but I felt like the excitement was gone. And that happens sometimes, it does go away, and for me, those are the hardest times for me to remain faithful. I like excitement. I like being passionate about things. Lately though, my passion had turned to just kind of lacklusterness (yeah, i don’t care if it’s not a word). I let my patience and understanding and compassion for people get over taken by bitterness and selfishness and contempt. I got so self obsessed that only my feelings and my wants and my needs were important to me. Luckily, I kept God in there just enough so that I didn’t act like a total jerk to people, it was mostly on the inside. One thing I’ve worked hard at and learned over the years is that sometimes spilling every single emotion we have at people isn’t always best. It’s much better to spill them to God, cause He already knows them, and he’ll forgive you…whereas sometimes people need some healing time.

So it has been awesome to see the correlation in letting go of certain things in my life I can’t control. Surrendering them to God. Immediately this energy and passion is back. It’s like, maybe it was there all along, but I couldn’t see it for all the crap in my life. Kind of like my bedroom. Generally it’s so cluttered with books and clothes and stuff on my floor that I don’t realize the size of my room and the capabilities of it (changing it around, making room for things, etc…). I like being here a lot more when it’s clutter free…kind of like my life. I like living life a lot more when it’s free from clutter. Free from worries, troubles and hurt pride. Sure that stuff will always be there, but doing a the daily maintenance/cleaning of it makes it a whole lot simpler.

Surrender. That was my word for last week, and I think I’m going to stay with the same word/idea this week. I’ve got to surrender the little petty things especially because life is much more than stupid arguments, bad days and selfish desires. Once I can let go of them, then letting go of the big things will be a lot easier too and a lot easier to deal with. So yeah, I have to remember that and remember that as someone said tonight, life is about our relationships with other people and our relationship with the Lord. And building relationships is exciting when there aren’t things blocking it. Hopefully freeing myself of the clutter will help me keep my passion for Christ and my passion toward others.