I am a control freak.

There, I said it. I hate not being in control. Hate it. If you know me, you may be thinking, You’re not a control freak. You’ve maybe never even seen my control freak side. But it’s true. I like order in my world. People have told me this. Very few people, but still people.

So, let me clarify. I’m not a control freak who needs to control every single thing and person around them. Those people are also power freaks. I simply think I can fix anything that I care about by being in control.

Now, I attempt to control my life. The things in my house, my computers, etc… I have a certain way I do things. If I get out of sync, it completely throws me off track, but I don’t sweat it. However, when it comes to fixing things such as computers, relationships, problems, mistakes–things I care about–I will literally go crazy until it’s fixed or solved. I care very deeply about all of those things. My family. My friends. The relationships I have with these people. The relationship these people have with each other. Don’t believe me? Here are two quick examples before I get to my point.

In college, my freshman year, I did a terrible thing. I hurt a very dear friend, and as much as I wanted to fix it, I couldn’t. I tried. I tried hard. I begged and pleaded. I literally would have done anything to fix our friendship. But I couldn’t. It drove me nuts. I wanted more than anything to take all the pain away, but it was done. There was no undoing it. I paid dearly for it. Suffice to say, the story did have a good ending. We are friends and have a stronger friendship, but it was one of the first times I actually realized there was no way I could control it. All I could do was wait and be patient.

Also in college, I had a friend who had a boyfriend. They had been together for a very long time. One day, they broke up. I was devastated. Even more than they were, or at least more than she was since she ended the relationship. I kept saying, “don’t do this. I will fix it,” as if I had any control over their relationship. But it altered my reality and my world and it wasn’t my decision to do so. Again, I had no control. There was nothing I could do.

So, I say all that now because I’ve finally realized that there are things in life we really can’t control. My way of controlling any repeats of the above situation was to control my interactions with people. Controlling myself and controlling how much I let myself care about people. That works. It’s got me this far, but it’s not everything.

Death. I cannot control death. I suppose I could control my own death to some degree, but not other people’s. I couldn’t control what would happen to my mom when she was laying in a hospital bed. I prayed. I made deals with God like I did when I was a kid. But ultimately, there was not one single thing I could do. I was completely out of control of the situation. Every now and then I’ll cry out thinking that somehow it will change things. I’ll look at the favorites on my phone hoping to see my mom’s picture there with everyone else’s instead of with the picture of Granny I replaced it with because I couldn’t look at her picture every time I used my phone. I’ll wake up and swipe my phone hoping to see that picture of my mom again. But it’s not there. And it sucks. It sucks really bad. I’ve never felt so helpless in all of my life. So, out of control.

For someone with a controlled life and controlled emotions, this is terrifying. I likened it to riding a rollercoaster, where the worst part is the beginning when you are going up the hill before the freefall. You know what I mean.

Click…click…click…pause…. I’m not longer in control.

It has been a while since I’ve written anything of consequence (except for research papers). In the past month and one day since my mom passed away I’ve actually had a lot I’ve wanted to say. I’m actually surprised I waited this long. When I have a lot on my mind, I like to write. But in the past month, I haven’t. Not one bit. I’ve enjoyed the distraction of the San Francisco Giants winning the WORLD SERIES! But, real must begin again.

I’m ready now–a little bit anyway.

What I’ve realized in the past couple of weeks since I’ve been back at work and home in California is that things have changed. I’ve changed. My priorities have changed. [Read more...]

Fenway Park is amazing. Hands down best ballpark I’ve been to. I’ll write more about it later, but it was awesome and a great game was played.

People in Boston seem to be the most unhappy people I’ve met. They’ve not been unfriendly, but overhearing phone calls about people being the devil and beating their wife, and couples arguing in public and people just generally using language in such ways and with such passion and hate has just amazed me. Still a great city though.

If you’re ever traveling alone, or even with one other person, sit at the bar in a restaurant. You meet the most interesting people there. If you’re at a table, you’re there all alone with no one but the waiter to talk to. Last night, I met some cool locals and fellow Californians, and got a great list of places I should eat while I’m visiting. I learned a few other things, but you get the picture.

I’ll update more about my trip when I’m back. I just had some thoughts floating around in my head.

I put some goldfish in our water cooler at work and it got some good laughs. Just in case you think it’s horrible, keep in mine my rules.

• The goldfish were unharmed and sent to a good home
• I covered the water jug so that no fish water got into the cooler
• I covered the spout so no one even tried to drink it
• I used an empty bottle and put tap water in it so I didn’t waste bottled water
• No humans or animals were harmed in this prank

Supplies:

• 5 goldfish @ 27 cents each
• duct tape to seal container
• fish food to keep the guys alive over the weekend

I know I’ve linked to this site before, but seriously, if you haven’t looked at it, give it a try. Especially if you live in Kentucky and need photography for a wedding or some event.

ShutterSpeedster

It’s been an entire calendar month since I blogged. I can’t let August get away with nothing on the books, now can I?

Before I get on to what I planned to write about, I will say that Tuesday is September 1. You can expect to see the normal routine of baseball related blog posts that come about this time every year. It’s even more exciting now that the Giants are legitimate playoff contenders for the NL Wild Card. I love me some baseball.

Grad school? What? Tomorrow. I officially start my Master’s program in Criminology tomorrow at WKU. It’s all online, so no moving required. I kind of did this suddenly. It wasn’t something I planned to do at this point. In fact, three months ago, I don’t even think the thought had crossed my mind. But here I am, a few short hours away from becoming a student again.

Why the sudden interest in grad school? Well, it’s like this. I was sitting around one evening thinking about life and all the other important stuff like, What am I doing with my life? When will I get married? Are the Giants really going to make the playoffs or are they just toying with me?. The usual. I also realized that I had set some goals for my life that I hadn’t accomplished. Pretty much none of them. Not that going to grad school was one of them, but it would have probably been a good step. Now, I don’t regret any decisions about my course of life. I think God has a way of putting you where you need to be sometimes, whether you know it or not. But I also realized that of all the crazy ideas I had about my life, and what I wanted to do with it, which could jump all over the board in a matter of seconds, that there was one thing that had remained consistent. That’s my interest in the criminal mind. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why I hadn’t followed through on that and why I had seemingly abandoned it.

Then I remembered working at the Juvenile Detention Center, a.k.a. Juvey Hall. That’s why I abandoned it. My plan was to get a job in law enforcement and I did that. But when I saw the side of it I didn’t like, I had to get out. In the meantime though, my interest in youth programs grew and off I went to California to work with some kids and volunteers, forgetting all about my master plan.

What I didn’t realize at the time is that my interest really hadn’t changed. I think maybe I just needed to experience another side of the coin. I think maybe God was showing me that He had different plans for me, but that didn’t necessarily mean my plans were to be thrown out the door. What I’ve come to realize over the past month or so of this process is that in fact, the two areas mesh together quiet well. I also know that meshing those two together is something that I’m quiet good at doing (just saying). So, off to grad school it is for me.

What do I plan to do with my degree? I don’t know. I have some ideas of what I’d like to do. I actually don’t think it will be drastically different than what I’m doing now. I just think that I need to challenge myself and learn as much as I can. My emphasis will probably center around Juvenile Delinquency and prevention of crime, though I have many interest in the criminology field.

So for all of you folks scratching your heads and wondering what the heck I’m doing, that’s it. It doesn’t mean anything for me right now as far a where I live or what I do. I just need to expand my knowledge and see where the road leads me.

I need to blog more. I want to blog more. I have all sorts of things floating around in my head, I’m just too lazy lately to take the time to put them out here.

Today I said, “I have a lot of opinions about (whatever it was), don’t I? I should get a blog…or maybe just use the one I have.”

So I’ll try to do better because I miss writing, and maybe expect a little more of me than the technical, censored and regurgitated crap I’ve posted lately.

In fact, if you care enough, ask me about journalist, media, reality television, musical geniuses, non-profits and youth ministry. Those seem to be the things that really seem to set me off about how they are all broken.